Week 19?

I'm not really sure what week I'm on, but I keep feeling like I'm not going anywhere. This last Thursday when I checked in with Dan, I had lost those 2 travel pounds plus one additional. So I'm still at my lowest weight - 292 - but I'm not really feeling it anymore.

I told Dan that I want to lose 30 pounds by Christmas and he said it was possible. I just have to get my butt in gear.

Like every weekend lately, this one was an epic fail. We were out of the house and dependent on other people's eating schedules and I just ate horribly. Well, my version of horrible lately is just going too long between meals and then eating big portions. I haven't really been that bad. Little cheats.

Today I went on a walk because it's nice out and I think we'll be doing some good walking tonight for Family Home Evening. And I'm going to get out my weights now and do them because I haven't exercised since Thursday. That's the worst.

If you see me, ask me if I've done my weights. I need the push.

Da da da da, feelin' bloaty!

I can't remember what week I'm on, and I've obviously fallen behind some. I didn't do great in California because it was way too easy to just do vacation eating. In my case, at least, that means eating junk whenever I feel like it.

Apparently, my idea of junk has changed quite a bit, because although I gained, it was only 2 pounds. Dan had warned me that airplane travel can totally make you retain water, so I wasn't too worried, especially since even with those 2 pounds, my fat percentage stayed the same. So it really was water weight.

Having people tell me they can see a difference is almost as cool as being able to wear my pre-extra fat clothing. I like my clothes for the most part, so having to put certain things away was kind of depressing. Not being able to go back to it after the pregnancies was worse. So wearing jeans I haven't worn in 3 years feels fantastic, but even more is having some extra room in the thighs. Same for extra room in the chest area with my shirts. Awesome.

I'd be lying if I said I was actually feeling baby hungry. I adore my babies, but I'm still fine waiting. I guess that's a good thing because if I really wanted another now I'd have a hard time waiting to lose another 50 pounds. And that's my goal. I really want to lose that much more before getting pregnant again. Pregnancy is really tough, but pregnancy while obese is just miserable.

So, here's to losing the weight. Here's to more babies. Here's to better health and more adventures.

Oh, one really happy note from my trip. I didn't have to use a seat belt extender on the airplane. I took a trip with the kidlet about 2 years ago when he was just 4 months old and I had to use one. Terrible and humiliating. I was tickled that I didn't need one.

Progress! Little, but visible.

Anyone want tips or tricks that might be especially suited to them, let me know. I'm happy to help, and Dan wants me to be able to help. I think it reinforces my own good behaviors enough that it makes me more likely to succeed. And Dan is all for that. He has even given me advice on behalf of others. And if you're interested in meeting with Dan - even long-distance, just let me know.

Help me to help you. We'll do this together, eh?

really quickly

I'm in California this week. Trying hard to get in lots of exercise and eat healthy, so by the time I get back to Dan next week I should still be okay. Cross your fingers for me!

By the way, I'm loving where my sister lives in Alameda. Across the street is the beach and there's an awesome walking/biking trail. Been there a couple of times already. Look across the water into San Francisco. Gorgeous, perfect weather, the culture! Only thing that would make this place perfect would be a good $1000 off the rent. This place is expensive!

Sure do love Trader Joe's. Good and mostly healthy stuff and really great variety of interesting things to choose from.

More about the trip (diet-wise) when I get back.

Love you all!

Week 16 - Stalled (oh my, I have a shape again!)

I feel often like I've lost momentum, but then something comes along to remind me why I started this journey.

This morning I woke up and lounged in bed for a few minutes till my bladder forced me to get up. While I was still ignoring it, for some reason I felt my upper arm. I've been embarrassed by my arms for a long time. There is bulging in gross ways, floppy softness in other gross ways. I've got the Relief Society arms (or "bingo arms" to the non-LDS readers) that old ladies get when they've lost weight and their arm fat flaps.

But when I felt my arm this morning, I noticed a difference. The back of my upper arm doesn't bulge quite the way it did before. I had to take a picture to mark the exciting occasion. I would put a "before" picture, but I don't really allow pictures of the most embarrassing parts of me to exist. It has only been since I started this plan that I've been willing for the fat to show up in all its glorious disgustingness.

When I went to see Dan, I had to admit that I was scared. I've been consistently failing on the weekends and I wasn't sure I wanted to see the scale go up again. Amazingly, it went down. Okay, so it was only a pound, but I'll take anything I can get.

Every single week I leave Dan's office energized and excited to start anew. I want to succeed, dang it! And by the end of the weekend I feel like a total failure. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the desire to socialize and play. Bike rides on city streets aren't really a social thing, especially in the winter when everyone is bundled. It's not like we can go to the park (brrr!) either. The weights bore me to death and every single week I struggle to do them.

I think I'll work on them right now. Get in one session of weights while watching LDS General Conference. After the weights, I'll get some more cleaning done. Then I'll feel both spiritually and physically productive. Maybe I won't feel quite so guilty next time I go to see Dan.

Weekends

It used to be that I looked forward to the weekends because I was so happy to be free from work. Then I started staying home with the kids and the weekends just blended into the other days. I didn't really look forward to them anymore, although I didn't mind them any.

Since this program has started, however, I have started dreading the weekends. I've figured out that I do poorly on weekends. I have a hard time following the program with lots of people and lots of food in my near vicinity. I think I would probably lose weight a lot faster if I weren't cheating consistently every weekend. Dang.

I'm not sure what the best solution would be. I'm pretty sure that once my metabolism is "fixed" it won't be a problem to eat less than perfect every once in a while. For now, however, it is an issue. But it's an issue because I desperately need results to stay motivated. It's an issue because my body isn't prepared to fight the bad stuff effectively yet.

Gah! Help me people! If I turn down your food, please support me. I'm way too weak to turn down the yummy stuff without help.

Week 15 - Addictions

I have to admit that this last week was extremely tough for me. We had a ward activity on Friday night, followed by an evening party at my cousin's house. There was food everywhere and it was tough to stay away. In fact, I didn't.

Yesterday my sis-in-law made cookies. I wish I couldn't tell you just how yummy they were, but I know all too well that they were delicious. Dang it.

I'm thinking that I need to just imagine and not even take the first bite. It's way too difficult to stop once I have confirmed how wonderful something feels on my tongue. No matter how much I know that my body won't like it, I just can't make myself stop once I've started. (This is a t-shirt design from our friends at woot.com. Love it!)

A handful of years ago, I attended AA meetings with a friend of mine who was struggling with alcohol addiction. It was kind of awkward, to be honest, but I did learn some about myself. See, I'm addicted to food. I'm addicted to salty, greasy, fattening food. I'm addicted to flavor and richness, texture and depth. It affects my moods and whole body chemistry, and I'm not even talking about the physical affects of the fat and such.

Have you ever known an alcoholic or a druggie who just couldn't quit? They would say over and over, "I'll just take one sip" or "only one more fix"... Well, food that's bad for me is my fix. I cannot allow myself to fall off the wagon because I won't want to get back up.

See, I'm comfortable being fat. In a sense. I'm used to this. It's my comfort zone because it's all I know. I can't actually imagine myself thin. It boggles my mind that I could actually live life with one whole person less to carry around. Logically, I know. I lift the rolls of fat and try to remember what I felt like without them. I wasn't born this way, but I can barely imagine not being round.

Despite the setbacks with the food, my metabolism worked and I lost another 4 pounds. If anyone is counting, I'm about 45 pounds down on the scale and 48 pounds of fat down. Incredibly, the work is still paying off, and even though I'm feeling burned out, I may just be able to keep going.

This addiction of mine, this monkey on my back, is getting old. Just a few more months till the imagined will become the reality and the addiction will be just old memory. Not that I'll ever stop loving food, but that maybe I will be able to take that bite of dessert and not feel guilty for the rest of the week.

Checking in

Well, I've now done one day of weights. But I did help an aunt carry stuff up and down in her house for a couple hours today. I should have gone on a bike ride too, but I was actually tired from moving stuff.

I have to say, it's more interesting to do stuff like moving furniture than lift weights. I'm kind of torn on my beloved bike rides, now that it's FREAKING COLD lately. Apparently my fat has been a pretty good insulation for me. I get cold way easier lately. Any suggestions?