Tuesday, September 29, 2009


It used to be that I looked forward to the weekends because I was so happy to be free from work. Then I started staying home with the kids and the weekends just blended into the other days. I didn't really look forward to them anymore, although I didn't mind them any.

Since this program has started, however, I have started dreading the weekends. I've figured out that I do poorly on weekends. I have a hard time following the program with lots of people and lots of food in my near vicinity. I think I would probably lose weight a lot faster if I weren't cheating consistently every weekend. Dang.

I'm not sure what the best solution would be. I'm pretty sure that once my metabolism is "fixed" it won't be a problem to eat less than perfect every once in a while. For now, however, it is an issue. But it's an issue because I desperately need results to stay motivated. It's an issue because my body isn't prepared to fight the bad stuff effectively yet.

Gah! Help me people! If I turn down your food, please support me. I'm way too weak to turn down the yummy stuff without help.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Week 15 - Addictions

I have to admit that this last week was extremely tough for me. We had a ward activity on Friday night, followed by an evening party at my cousin's house. There was food everywhere and it was tough to stay away. In fact, I didn't.

Yesterday my sis-in-law made cookies. I wish I couldn't tell you just how yummy they were, but I know all too well that they were delicious. Dang it.

I'm thinking that I need to just imagine and not even take the first bite. It's way too difficult to stop once I have confirmed how wonderful something feels on my tongue. No matter how much I know that my body won't like it, I just can't make myself stop once I've started. (This is a t-shirt design from our friends at woot.com. Love it!)

A handful of years ago, I attended AA meetings with a friend of mine who was struggling with alcohol addiction. It was kind of awkward, to be honest, but I did learn some about myself. See, I'm addicted to food. I'm addicted to salty, greasy, fattening food. I'm addicted to flavor and richness, texture and depth. It affects my moods and whole body chemistry, and I'm not even talking about the physical affects of the fat and such.

Have you ever known an alcoholic or a druggie who just couldn't quit? They would say over and over, "I'll just take one sip" or "only one more fix"... Well, food that's bad for me is my fix. I cannot allow myself to fall off the wagon because I won't want to get back up.

See, I'm comfortable being fat. In a sense. I'm used to this. It's my comfort zone because it's all I know. I can't actually imagine myself thin. It boggles my mind that I could actually live life with one whole person less to carry around. Logically, I know. I lift the rolls of fat and try to remember what I felt like without them. I wasn't born this way, but I can barely imagine not being round.

Despite the setbacks with the food, my metabolism worked and I lost another 4 pounds. If anyone is counting, I'm about 45 pounds down on the scale and 48 pounds of fat down. Incredibly, the work is still paying off, and even though I'm feeling burned out, I may just be able to keep going.

This addiction of mine, this monkey on my back, is getting old. Just a few more months till the imagined will become the reality and the addiction will be just old memory. Not that I'll ever stop loving food, but that maybe I will be able to take that bite of dessert and not feel guilty for the rest of the week.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Checking in

Well, I've now done one day of weights. But I did help an aunt carry stuff up and down in her house for a couple hours today. I should have gone on a bike ride too, but I was actually tired from moving stuff.

I have to say, it's more interesting to do stuff like moving furniture than lift weights. I'm kind of torn on my beloved bike rides, now that it's FREAKING COLD lately. Apparently my fat has been a pretty good insulation for me. I get cold way easier lately. Any suggestions?

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Week 14 - A setback

I've resisted posting this week because I gained a pound this week. Dang it!

I just wrote a long and boring post about my week. Eating out (I tried to be good, honest!), flat tires, and today's super long bike ride - 16 miles in all.

Apparently I can't be interesting when I'm exhausted. Really though, I want to announce my intention to get my weights in. That's been the most difficult part, and I hear from people that it's the most important.

Oh, and I'm going to coach some friends on a similar program to mine. I'll call it a trial run - to see if I've learned enough to give real help to those in need. I'd venture to say I need to be following my own advice though.

I'll report on Tuesday. Hopefully I will have started with the Llama family (just a nickname, don't worry), and will have done at least 2 days of weights.

Thanks, everyone, for allowing me to be accountable to you. It means a lot to me.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

A little more detail

I've gotten lots of questions about my program and I'd like to give out a little more information.

I am doing a plan with the help of Dan Wilcox through Total Health and Fitness (feel free to ask for his contact info - he's not shy and he loves referrals). He's not a trainer, but effectively he's helping me train my metabolism. But he's not a trainer in the traditional sense.

Every week I go see Dan to report in, get weighed, and get my plan tweaked. He takes into consideration how I've felt (do I ever feel hungry? did I have enough energy? did I lose weight? etc.), and changes my exercises and menu. These changes are typically pretty subtle. I can go up by 50-100 calories or down by 300, add a day of weights or 15 more minutes of cardio.

In a nutshell, you start out with a set amount of calories for a week (remember to eat at least 5 times a day, protein AND carb at every "meal"). If you lose, raise the calories by 50-100 calories for the next week. Do that every week till you're barely losing - like only 1 pound. The week after that, drop your calories by like 300. Essentially this keeps your metabolism from setting a plateau, allowing you to lose weight consistently. Does that kind of make sense?

The beauty of going to Dan is that I've got a constant cheerleader/expert/guide through the whole process. The plan is tailored specifically to me. The foods on my menu are ones I like and will happily eat (he doesn't put something on my menu if I don't like it). The weights are things that I can do (in my case, they're all at home - I don't have a gym membership). The cardio is stuff my body can handle (my dad, who had a total knee replacement last year, is one of Dan's clients too).

I've figured out a couple of things so far.

1) I really do feel better when I follow the plan.
a) I have lots more energy when I don't go long periods without eating.
b) Turns out my body actually likes getting exercise. When I eat right in addition to my exercise, I don't feel so exhausted when I'm done. I feel just fine. Maybe a little tired/wobbly, but nothing I can't handle.
c) I think I'm getting sick less. That's a very very happy thing.

2) I can motivate anyone but myself. I actually do need someone else telling me how to do this. I need to be accountable or I slack.

3) Being in the habit of eating healthy is only difficult at the beginning.
a) It's much easier now to turn down the bad stuff or choose the good.
b) It's kind of like detox. It took a while to feel the effects, but now I feel so much better that I can't imagine going back. Well, I can fantasize, but I don't really want to eat bad anymore. I feel too good to give it up.

4) I LOVE sharing the excitement. I want everyone around me to feel good too!

5) I ADORE wearing pants that aren't constricting in the thighs.

Life is good. Just keep keeping on, right?

Sunday, September 13, 2009


I have a love/hate relationship with swimming. On the one hand, there is nothing quite like the feeling of floating, being supported when gravity usually isn't my friend. On the other hand, I have to stuff my sausage-like limbs and torso into something that shows every cupcake and fast-food meal I've eaten for the past 10 years. Every single flaw.

Yesterday for a birthday party, I stuffed my lycra at the Lehi pool. That place was tons of fun, and I even came in under the weight limit for the really cool water slide. 3 whole pounds under, baby!

I tried to do a similar pose, and here is the result. 3 months and 40+ (almost 45 of fat!) pounds later:
It's so nice to have people say they can see the difference. Even if that means they noticed just how fat I was before, I still like the positive attention. My husband likes it that my chest is the most prominent feature on my front side now (instead of my belly).

I keep telling myself that the daily stuff is what's important. That cheating on the plan isn't doing me any favors. That I'll be happier if I stay strong and don't give in to the urges to eat and laze around.

Don't worry. I believe it most of the time. :)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Week 13 - Half way

I'm officially half-way done with this program. And I'm officially 40+ pounds down on the scale (almost 45 pounds of straight fat lost). Feels pretty good, except that I have another 60 pounds to go.

Happily, my metabolism is responding positively to this thing, and Dan says I could lose another 80 pounds in this time. I would be so freaking happy if that were true!

On Monday I labored. I went on a 13-mile bike ride with my sister's family. My husband tried to come with us, but he's not used to biking and by just a mile in was having trouble (as was my 9-month-old infant), so we traded kids (he had the toddler in the bike trailer and I had the baby in the bike seat) and sent him home.

Half of that bike ride was extremely difficult. The bike seat is missing a bolt, and it lists to one side. And it was uphill. Apparently, in all my bike riding, I only do flat or mostly flat surfaces. The hills kicked my butt! I finally gave up and traded bikes with my sis about a mile before the park up the canyon. And on the way home I had the kid ride with his cousin in their bike trailer.

Last night I took the kid to the grocery store. It was pretty late, but it was in honor of the husband putting the trailer on my bike. So we went and I loaded up the trailer with heavy stuff (a good 100 pounds of food). And it kicked my butt all the way home. I figured it was because the wind was against me and I was just tired. So this morning I loaded the bike trailer again with that toddler of mine and we headed off to see Dan. It took longer than normal because even though it was mostly downhill, the wind was against us. Dan pointed out that the bike trailer probably weighs a good 40+ pounds too. I hadn't thought about that. Instead of going straight home, we took a detour to visit my mom at her work. I finally got home, sweating greatly, and decided we needed to go to the store. So I added the baby to the trailer and off we went.

I loaded it down again, sweated my guts out, and got home, 11 miles and one sleeping baby later. Well, the 11 miles was the total for the day, not for the grocery trip at the end. Still.

I'm thinking I'll be able to take the kids around quite a bit with the trailer as long as I can pacify the baby. She doesn't like to be strapped in and isn't quite there yet with holding her own bottle. She can for a little while, but she drops it easily and doesn't pick it back up by herself.

Dan has added a meal to my day and upped my calories again. He thinks I'll still drop a few this next week. I got measured again and he actually apologized that I had lost inches off my chest. Oh, how I would LOVE to be able to buy a bra in a normal store!!! Lost a couple more off my waist too. I love wearing baggy pants. It's been a very long time since I was able to do that without just... um, I was going to say "going to the store and buying bigger" but that doesn't really work. I've been "tight" in 26/28s for a long time and that's the biggest size carried anywhere around here. I know you can get bigger on the internet, but honestly my thighs are massive and I'm afraid that even if something fits in the waist it won't in the thighs, so I don't buy pants over the net. So thank goodness my thighs are getting smaller too!

Other news, I'm hoping to reach 60 pounds down by the time I go to California. My generous (and likely bored) sister is flying me and the kidlets out to visit for a week in early October. I promise I'll eat right and exercise while I'm there. She's a great influence and example and maybe I can even teach her a thing or two. :)

Saturday, September 5, 2009

WeightView dreams

The website I used for the photo was www.weightview.com, but they use facebook to publish the results. Apparently you have to have a facebook profile in order to get the results. Pretty easy process though.

I dreamed last night that I had lost so much weight that I could see my hip bones. Like they actually kind of stuck out and I only had a little belly pooch to look past. (I tried to find a pic of hip bones to illustrate what I saw in my dream but there were only dumb pictures.)

So, I'm getting over a cold and that monthly intruder, and still feeling like I have no energy at all. I miss getting out and exercising, but I don't know if I can do much about it. I'll have to get out there and see.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Week 12 - Pre-pregnancy weight

I was scared this week that the news would not be favorable. I spent a couple of days at the end of last week helping a friend move, and I didn't do any weights. I was so tired from packing and cleaning and moving that I could barely do anything by the end.

Saturday night I was exhausted and in need of a good pick-me-up, so I went out with friends. Well, actually, I went over to a friend's house with a bunch of other friends and we crafted and watched a movie and stayed up late talking. It was such a good thing! Except for the eating. I got Papa Murphy's pizza, and I think my kid and I ate an entire one by ourselves - chicken bacon artichoke. Man, I LOVE that pizza!

Turns out my body isn't so fond of it though. I spent the next two days feeling all sorts of intestinal yuckiness.

And then, my period started. Normally I wouldn't mention that in any kind of a public place, but seeing as how Aunt Flo can make you retain water (and not lose weight), I'm throwing it out there. Why? Because I lost another 2 1/2 pounds.

I am now officially back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. Yep, 301 pounds. Hopefully all that monthly water gain will come off this week and I'll find myself next week - for the first time in about 10 years - below 300 pounds. What a wonderful prospect!

I found this cool website that shows what they think you'd look like up to 50 pounds thinner. What do you think?

They didn't do anything to my face, but I love what they did to my boobs. :)