Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The unfairness of genetics

I am approximately 150 pounds overweight.  My husband is approximately 60-65 pounds overweight.  In today's society that seems like a huge amount, and maybe it is.  I do often feel like I'm carrying around a whole extra person.

My husband had a regular checkup about his diabetes about a month ago and was told that he either needed to lose 50 pounds or go on insulin.  So he made an appointment with a dietitian (although why anyone would want to pay $150 per hour to someone that just confirms everything you already know is beyond me).  I went with him and it was as I expected.  I knew almost everything because of my time with Dan.  That's right, I'm a know-it-all.

Apparently my husband needs to be told by an expert, however, because he has since changed a lot of his behavior.  He's now biking almost every morning (on my bike, which means I can't go with him) and eating smaller portions more often.  And he's making a concerted effort to get veggies at every dinner at least.

So why don't I have diabetes?  No idea, although I'm incredibly thankful I don't.  My dad does, so it's in my genes too.  My husband happens to have the classic diabetic body type though and even though he's not nearly as big as I am, he was unhealthy for far too long.  So his genetics and bad habits gave him diabetes.  My genetics and bad habits gave me double in size.

Honestly, I'm sick of the fight.  I really wish that 30 years of bad habits didn't affect me like this, but it is my struggle.  My very obvious struggle.

Friday, April 1, 2011

results of short-term goals

So, it's Friday. Yeah, I'm late, but I still have nothing to report. Apparently my body/mind wanted to rebel just a little bit more.

So after 3 days of migraine and intense crankiness (admittedly my own, although my kids haven't exactly been happy and cooperative lately either), my toddlers are finally playing in their room and my baby is actually sleeping. Who knows how long it will last though. Driving me nuts lately. I just don't know what he wants, so I feel completely helpless most of the time.

And completely energy-less. Stupid sleep-deprivation carb craving!

My exercise bike is still behind a bunch of crap in my office. Sigh.

I do have a plan. I'm going to go through everything and get rid of half. I have way too much stuff. Paring down will help me be able to fit everything in, hopefully. I'm thinking I ought to have a huge yard sale and then donate everything left to family/thrift stores. Hopefully that will make it easier to get to the exercise equipment (the bike and trailer in the carport is nearly impossible to access and since it's finally getting warm outside I need to be able to get it out). And it won't make me feel quite so claustrophobic.

Anyone want to do a yard sale with me in a month?

Monday, March 28, 2011

The First Step, part two

"If I keep putting off doing the work, then it will always remain a dream, instead of that thing I screwed up."

Wise words from Ted Moseby of "How I Met Your Mother". He's talking about starting his own architectural firm, but I think it applies perfectly to many things. I'm so afraid of putting in the work and failing, that I'm petrified to even start.

Last week I went to Disneyland with my husband for our 5th anniversary. We left the kids at home, thank goodness. It was our first vacation since we got married and the first time we were away from kids for more than 12 hours.

While it was great fun, it was also kind of eye-opening. Within a few hours I could feel the stress in my back and in my feet. By hour 8 I was begging my husband to find places to sit down. I squished myself into the Indiana Jones ride even though my hips didn't fit, but luckily my feet hurt more than my hips so I didn't notice my bruised hips for too long at all. And when we hurried across the park at 11:30 pm to try to make the Matterhorn one last time (it was closed because of rain), that 100 yards put my legs into the danger zone.

Three days later and I can finally walk without pain in my legs. Yeah, 100 yards. From the Buzz Lightyear shooting ride to the Matterhorn. Maybe even less than 100 yards. My back is still killing me, but I blame that partially on not being able to sleep in a bed. Any bed.

Yep, for the past year I've been sleeping in a recliner because in a bed I wake in so much pain that I'm nearly crying and immobile for hours. So hotel beds aren't really my friends.

Time to dig my exercise bike out of the office so it can be used. I'll report again on Wednesday...

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Biggest Loser

It's really quite an insult to be called a loser, but in this sense, I want to be called that. I really want to be called that.

This morning in SLC there was an open casting call for Biggest Loser season 12. My cousin Erin and I went - got there at 5 am. Finally got to see the casting directors about 8:45, and by 9 am we were driving home. We spent 7 minutes talking with 12 other hopefuls and the casting girls (seriously, there were like 12 years old).

And since it's past 8 pm, I know I didn't get a callback. Darn.

On the one hand I'm seriously disappointed. I mean, I would love to have someone push me hard and make that my only focus for a time. I think I could easily lose 175 pounds with the right kind of push. That's half my freaking body weight!

On the other hand, I'm kind of glad. See, if I got accepted and went away to "fat camp" I'd be away from my beloved children for up to 3 1/2 months. That would suck something fierce. Just thinking of video chatting with my kids while being gone made me cry this morning. It would just about kill them (not to mention how hard it would be on my dear husband) to have me gone. Heck, in 2 weeks Brent and I are going away for 3 days for our anniversary and that's already killing me. I haven't even gone and I'm already counting down the time till I get home.

Anyway, I didn't get in. They said to send in a video submission. That'll be due in 2 weeks, but I'm not sure I want to apply. I should just get my butt into gear and do the work. I should just apply all the tricks I've learned.

What a concept, eh?

I think I need to start by getting a scale and a full-length mirror. It's time to stop avoiding...

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Babies and Fat

A year ago I was just starting to deal with the cravings and morning sickness of pregnancy. I knew I'd be gaining weight and I think I allowed myself carte blanche to do eat whatever I wanted. I think I figured I could lose the weight after by going back on my plan once the pregnancy was over.

My baby is now 6 months old. After I lost about 30 of my baby pounds, I think I gained it all back. My fat clothes are tight and I'm running out of places to purchase new sizes. We're talking about being too fat for Walmart. Now that's depressing!

I have a recumbent exercise bike in my office. When we had the flood around Christmas we started moving everything out of the living room in anticipation of tearing apart the room, and the bike got covered. More than 2 months later and I can see the bike but I can't really get to it.

In the past 6 months since I had my baby, I've done lots of physically-demanding projects. But mostly I just sit around trying to stay awake. I'm so exhausted all the time that I often suffer from really bad headaches (it's a miracle that I haven't had more migraines). And I crave carbs. I long for that quick energy that comes with those sugars. And for the most part, I indulge.

My husband keeps asking what he can do to help me lose weight, but then he makes cheese sauce for broccoli and encourages the purchase of beef jerky in bulk. He walks to the library almost every day for work and considers himself exercised. I clean the sty of a house (with help from a neighbor girl that I adore) and chase after children and sleep poorly. It's been almost a year that I've been sleeping in my recliner. I'm in so much pain if I try to lay down anywhere else that it brings me to tears.

This fat has got to stop. And it has to stop now.

Confession time. I need an excuse to put out the effort again. I can't afford the program again but I really do need someone pushing me. This Saturday I'm going to go to the open casting call for Biggest Loser with one of my cousins. I'm terrified. Mostly I'm terrified of not making it. I hate what I've done to my body and I hate myself for being weak. I have absolutely no desire to be on TV, but I wanna do some kind of a fat camp. I want to be pushed. And I want to work on it exclusively. I just know I would rock.

Please keep me in your prayers. I need this.