A year ago I was just starting to deal with the cravings and morning sickness of pregnancy. I knew I'd be gaining weight and I think I allowed myself carte blanche to do eat whatever I wanted. I think I figured I could lose the weight after by going back on my plan once the pregnancy was over.
My baby is now 6 months old. After I lost about 30 of my baby pounds, I think I gained it all back. My fat clothes are tight and I'm running out of places to purchase new sizes. We're talking about being too fat for Walmart. Now that's depressing!
I have a recumbent exercise bike in my office. When we had the flood around Christmas we started moving everything out of the living room in anticipation of tearing apart the room, and the bike got covered. More than 2 months later and I can see the bike but I can't really get to it.
In the past 6 months since I had my baby, I've done lots of physically-demanding projects. But mostly I just sit around trying to stay awake. I'm so exhausted all the time that I often suffer from really bad headaches (it's a miracle that I haven't had more migraines). And I crave carbs. I long for that quick energy that comes with those sugars. And for the most part, I indulge.
My husband keeps asking what he can do to help me lose weight, but then he makes cheese sauce for broccoli and encourages the purchase of beef jerky in bulk. He walks to the library almost every day for work and considers himself exercised. I clean the sty of a house (with help from a neighbor girl that I adore) and chase after children and sleep poorly. It's been almost a year that I've been sleeping in my recliner. I'm in so much pain if I try to lay down anywhere else that it brings me to tears.
This fat has got to stop. And it has to stop now.
Confession time. I need an excuse to put out the effort again. I can't afford the program again but I really do need someone pushing me. This Saturday I'm going to go to the open casting call for Biggest Loser with one of my cousins. I'm terrified. Mostly I'm terrified of not making it. I hate what I've done to my body and I hate myself for being weak. I have absolutely no desire to be on TV, but I wanna do some kind of a fat camp. I want to be pushed. And I want to work on it exclusively. I just know I would rock.
Please keep me in your prayers. I need this.
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Dieting is so hard, is so freaking hard. And with all the demands and frustrations of adult life along with all de raw-realities of maturity (being older that 35)it gets rrrreally hard.
ReplyDeleteI did indulge myself since summer, because of... depressive mood/midlife crisis or whatever. I did gain wait, only just that, for some extrange reason that does not correspond to any virtue on my part, my body does not react like yours.
I am back to doing Montignac diet, that works wonderfully for me since day 1. But that's this week, I don't know haw good I will be on friday :-).
Anyway, Keep on, do whatever, but do no hate yourself because you are awsome!
Heather, I hate to see you in so much pain and not being happy with yourself. You have always been such a great friend to me and I just want to see you happy. I hope that you make it onto the show just so you can get the help that you need. I will definitely keep you (and your family) in my prayers...things just need to get better for you! Keep your chin up and remember no matter what, you are loved. Good luck!
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