Week 23 - Because I need some encouragement

I got in to see Dan yesterday and gained 2 pounds. Sigh.

Because I needed something good, I decided to try on a pair of "fat jeans". I hadn't tried on this pair for over a year. I purchased them after I had my first child because everything was too small. And I grew out of them anyway. Yep, I put them away because I got even bigger.

Wanna see how they look now? Man, I needed this. I can wear these jeans to LOUNGE in! This means I can tuck my legs up to the side. This is SIGNIFICANT, dang it!

I start a job on Monday. New schedule and Thanksgiving... I'm on maintenance mode for the next week or two and then I'll go back to see Dan and get back into it.

So, no cheating, lots of exercising, and more weight to lose. This is good.

Week 15 - Addictions

I have to admit that this last week was extremely tough for me. We had a ward activity on Friday night, followed by an evening party at my cousin's house. There was food everywhere and it was tough to stay away. In fact, I didn't.

Yesterday my sis-in-law made cookies. I wish I couldn't tell you just how yummy they were, but I know all too well that they were delicious. Dang it.

I'm thinking that I need to just imagine and not even take the first bite. It's way too difficult to stop once I have confirmed how wonderful something feels on my tongue. No matter how much I know that my body won't like it, I just can't make myself stop once I've started. (This is a t-shirt design from our friends at woot.com. Love it!)

A handful of years ago, I attended AA meetings with a friend of mine who was struggling with alcohol addiction. It was kind of awkward, to be honest, but I did learn some about myself. See, I'm addicted to food. I'm addicted to salty, greasy, fattening food. I'm addicted to flavor and richness, texture and depth. It affects my moods and whole body chemistry, and I'm not even talking about the physical affects of the fat and such.

Have you ever known an alcoholic or a druggie who just couldn't quit? They would say over and over, "I'll just take one sip" or "only one more fix"... Well, food that's bad for me is my fix. I cannot allow myself to fall off the wagon because I won't want to get back up.

See, I'm comfortable being fat. In a sense. I'm used to this. It's my comfort zone because it's all I know. I can't actually imagine myself thin. It boggles my mind that I could actually live life with one whole person less to carry around. Logically, I know. I lift the rolls of fat and try to remember what I felt like without them. I wasn't born this way, but I can barely imagine not being round.

Despite the setbacks with the food, my metabolism worked and I lost another 4 pounds. If anyone is counting, I'm about 45 pounds down on the scale and 48 pounds of fat down. Incredibly, the work is still paying off, and even though I'm feeling burned out, I may just be able to keep going.

This addiction of mine, this monkey on my back, is getting old. Just a few more months till the imagined will become the reality and the addiction will be just old memory. Not that I'll ever stop loving food, but that maybe I will be able to take that bite of dessert and not feel guilty for the rest of the week.

Week 9 - Understanding my body

I lost 2 more pounds today. That brings the total to 29 pounds on the scale and about 35 pounds of fat. Dan figures out how much fat I've lost by pinching certain areas every week. It's slightly awkward, but I'm happy to know that progress is being made.

This week we're increasing calories again. Dan says my weight may stay the same, but this raising and lowering of the calories makes it so that my body won't get stuck on a plateau. So I guess I'm okay with it.

He also said that pinching my hip fat, it feels like the fat is letting go there. I'm not positive I know what that means, but he said it meant that my skin will bounce back in a healthy way. Or something like that. Apparently if you lose weight too fast then your skin can't keep up. That's something I really don't want. I'd love to not have pounds of hanging skin once I'm done with this weight loss thing. That's just gross.

I took a friend with me today to the appointment and Dan talked to her about her specific needs. It was informative and it made me realize how much I've learned because I got to pitch in a bunch. Now I've got to share my knowledge and experience with my friend because she can't afford to go to Dan at the moment.

Speaking of affording... More crap medical bills. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE medical crap and insurance. This is the right place to complain. You know why? Because being a fat person, I don't qualify for private insurance. That's right, I weigh too much to have insurance. I have been rejected by all major private insurance carriers. Talk about a load of crap. I'm sick of trying to rely on government assistance (talk about incompetence and inadequacy), and I don't have much of a choice, what with being self-employed. Gah!

I'm so sick of being fat.

Week 2 - still losing

(I thought I was holding it in the same place, but maybe not)

You may look at that "still" and wonder how many diets I've tried in the past (seeing as how it's only been two weeks). Or you may wonder at my perseverance. Yeah, I don't have much. And this week has been tough.

There has been eating out and dinners in with lots of people. There has been very little sleep and lots of appointments out. There have been lots of people around and little money in the bank.

All of this combined means it's hard to stick to an eating schedule. The exercise is easier, not that I've done much of that. Gah. And I still lost 2 more pounds.

My calories have been bumped up to almost 1600 per day. For any of you who diet, you'll know that's a lot. How can someone lose significant weight while eating lots of calories?, you might ask. It's simpler than you might think.

Our bodies need calories for energy. In today's society, we often go long periods of time between meals and then eat till we are very full. That translates into our bodies not having the energy and then having too much (calories anyway). So basically, we need to eat only enough to sustain ourselves till the next meal. And eating every 2 to 3 hours teaches our bodies not to "save" the calories for later.

Dan has been teaching me the gospel of Elmo. Oh wait, that's E.L.M.O.

Eat Less, More Often. As much as I'm following it, I'm losing. I just need to do more ELMO. Right?