Week 21 (and a half)

It's tough to post when you feel like you're not making any progress. But I guess that's the concept behind accountability, eh?

So last Thursday when I went to see Dan it had been another hard week. We're up to a month's worth of really tough weeks. Gah! I didn't lose any weight, but at least I didn't gain any. That's really saying something because, well, Halloween candy.

My most difficult time is the weekend. Typically I ride my bike to see Dan and then I don't exercise again till Monday. Maybe even Tuesday. And since the routine is unreliable on the weekends, so is my eating.

Now, when I cheat, it's not like I fall off the wagon completely. I've learned enough over the past 5 months to know that my body really hates it when I eat crap. I feel it (very uncomfortably) for up to two days after. So, a bad day for me is like only 80% following my plan. Even that takes a while to get past, so more than feeling guilty, I really FEEL bad about eating poorly. You know?

Well, this last weekend I did better. I did skip Friday (ate fine though), but on Saturday I took a monster walk. I found an excuse to go out and made it even longer. I would guess it was at least 5 miles. Very pleasant.

I did skip Sunday, but I got my weights yesterday! Even better, I got my weights in today too. That means that doing them tomorrow will be a full workout. Woo hoo!

Yeah, I'm supposed to spread them out. I'm thinking I need a good bike ride in the middle of the day (when it's warm enough), and then with the weights in the evening maybe it won't be another bad week after all. That would be nice.

Back on the wagon, dang it!

Week 16 - Stalled (oh my, I have a shape again!)

I feel often like I've lost momentum, but then something comes along to remind me why I started this journey.

This morning I woke up and lounged in bed for a few minutes till my bladder forced me to get up. While I was still ignoring it, for some reason I felt my upper arm. I've been embarrassed by my arms for a long time. There is bulging in gross ways, floppy softness in other gross ways. I've got the Relief Society arms (or "bingo arms" to the non-LDS readers) that old ladies get when they've lost weight and their arm fat flaps.

But when I felt my arm this morning, I noticed a difference. The back of my upper arm doesn't bulge quite the way it did before. I had to take a picture to mark the exciting occasion. I would put a "before" picture, but I don't really allow pictures of the most embarrassing parts of me to exist. It has only been since I started this plan that I've been willing for the fat to show up in all its glorious disgustingness.

When I went to see Dan, I had to admit that I was scared. I've been consistently failing on the weekends and I wasn't sure I wanted to see the scale go up again. Amazingly, it went down. Okay, so it was only a pound, but I'll take anything I can get.

Every single week I leave Dan's office energized and excited to start anew. I want to succeed, dang it! And by the end of the weekend I feel like a total failure. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the desire to socialize and play. Bike rides on city streets aren't really a social thing, especially in the winter when everyone is bundled. It's not like we can go to the park (brrr!) either. The weights bore me to death and every single week I struggle to do them.

I think I'll work on them right now. Get in one session of weights while watching LDS General Conference. After the weights, I'll get some more cleaning done. Then I'll feel both spiritually and physically productive. Maybe I won't feel quite so guilty next time I go to see Dan.

How I'm doing it

People have asked me how I'm losing weight and how it might work for them. I'm going to nutshell it for you.


1 (most important) - Eat at least 5 times a day. That doesn't mean you have to have real or full meals, but this goes with #2...

2 - Never go longer than 3 hours without eating (except for at night, of course). After about 3 hours your body goes into starvation mode and will hang on to all the calories you eat as fat. Ideal is to eat every 2-3 hours.

3 - Get a little bit of exercise every day. Or almost every day. Don't just do cardio, but do get cardio at least 4 times a week, resistance exercises at least twice. Resistance exercises are weights. Weights stimulate your metabolism, cardio keeps it going. You need both to effectively lose weight for anything long-term.
4 - Eat protein for every meal. Whether that's a cheese stick or cottage cheese or beans or tofu or chicken or an egg, it doesn't matter. But don't overdo it. Just a little bit of protein will do it (one egg, one cheese stick, half a cup of cc or beans, etc.). 5 - eat only enough carbs to get you to the next meal. If you're running out of energy before your 2-3 hours is up, then you need to get more carbs. If you're going to take a nap or sit the whole time, then you need a smaller portion. If you're going to exercise or be active, then you need a little more.

That's really all there is to it. When you start a program like this, start out slow. You actually want results to be gradual, because it's much healthier. And if you're fat like me, going gradual means that your skin will have time to pull back too. Because really, who wants saggy baggy skin?!

One thing that's kind of an exception for me. I don't have a regular wake up time. Because of that, I adjust my meal times based on when I wake up. So I don't always eat lunch at noon, for example. If I'm up at 8, my meals are at 8-10-12-3-6, with a small snack around 8. If I'm up at 10, my meals are at 10-12-2-4-6, with the snack at 8. See how that works? You can make changes to the diet and exercise based on your particular needs.

Please feel free to ask any questions. I've learned a lot from Dan. Oh, and if you're interested in having a similar journey, let me know, because Dan does free consultations, and he loves my friends.

Sometimes it works

My sister is visiting from California and today we biked to Costco. That's one way to keep the spending to a minimum - no place to haul it!

The two little ones (mine and hers) got pretty cranky to be tied down for the ride even though it was pleasant out. My toddler loves being on the back of my bike. Thankfully, my bike is super comfortable for me to ride too. I'm sure my sis got the short end of the stick having to ride my husband's heavy mountain bike. On the way home the babes fell asleep. Too cute. I like this exercising thing when it's not just for the sake of exercise. When it's a walk or a bike ride or whatever just to get in the exercise I get really bored. Going to a store or a park or for some other errand makes it a lot easier to do it.

This particular bike ride was pretty fun. Nice to have adult conversation even if we were yelling back and forth. Now that my husband's bike is fixed, though, I'll have to get him out on it with me. Good family activity, wouldn't you say?

Summer Bike Rides

You know what's great about exercising in the summer? You can do just about anything you want till really late at night (relatively).

You know what sucks about exercising in the summer? Sweating. Blech!

I'm sure there are some of you who might suggest I do some swimming. I have lusted after a good swimming pool of my own for a long time. Why my own? Because I don't like all the hassle of packing everything up to go to the gym, only to share dressing rooms with much better-looking naked people and athlete's foot. But that's only half the problem. See, I'm, well, buoyant. I don't have to work to keep afloat, so it's not much exercise. I do love biking though. You can bike in the summer and the breeze will keep you cool. In the late evening before it gets dark it's both safe and pleasant. Then you stop and there's no breeze good enough. No AC works fast enough.

Thank goodness for cool showers and clean cotton sheets.... mmmmm

Week 4 - 7 pounds

Yup, 7 pounds.

This week was a little bit tough because of the 4th of July. I mean, how can you not cheat at a barbecue where bratwurst is featured? I did have Dan's permission.

Besides some sanctioned cheats, I was really good about food this week. The awesome part of this program is that I honestly don't get hungry. I've gotten in some great walks (there's a good park not too far away and it's a great day trip for us, and I have a good friend that I like to walk with) and even done some weights. I need to do more, of course, but I'm doing great.

And I lost 7 more pounds!

That means I'm down almost 20 so far. Yippee!


Okay, so I want to talk a bit more about what I'm learning. The gist of this program (Total Health & Fitness) is retraining my metabolism through smarter eating and exercise.

Basically, you need to eat at least 5 times a day - every 2 to 3 hours. At those meals you need to eat carbs and proteins, but you should only eat enough to get you through to the next meal.

My menu hasn't changed much from the beginning, but here's what I eat:
First meal (7 or 8 am): small bowl of cereal (I've discovered Honey Kix - yum and very low cal) and an egg (I usually spray a small paper plate with Pam and crack the egg and poke it with a fork, then microwave for 45 seconds - perfect and no clean up)

Second meal (around 10): cheese stick (Western Family are all of the following: cheapest, lowest fat, lowest cal, and best at "stringing"), 5 Triscuits (doesn't seem like much, but amazingly it's plenty - I eat the best flavor ever... fire roasted tomato, or sometimes the rosemary and olive oil), and a piece of fruit (although today I substituted with 3 very yummy tomatoes).

Third meal (noonish): sandwich (Sara Lee Delite bread has only 45 calories per slice, sliced deli-type ham or turkey, and I found some flavored american cheeses with only 70 calories per slice - I got a cheddar bacon flavor and a garden veggie flavor, tomatoes and pepperoncini if I've got them), and a handful of Sun Chips (we're back on!). I also drink a lot of Crystal Lite lemonade. I love that flavor, almost as much as I love the cherry pomegranate. It helps fill in the holes.

Fourth meal (around 3): half a cup of cottage cheese and a yogurt (Activia is pretty low cal). I like to mix them, but I might continue the obsession with good fresh tomatoes and do cottage cheese and tomato and then do yogurt separate.

Fifth meal (6ish): chicken breast or fish (I like to microwave a frozen breast for about 2 minutes, coat it with crusting and spices, and then cook it in the toaster oven for about 25 minutes), half a cup of brown rice or a small potato (I have to admit I'm not a big fan of brown rice - I don't like the texture. I do love wild rice but it's super expensive.), and a bunch of veggies. If I do a potato, I'll microwave it in a baggie for a couple minutes, cover it with fake butter (can't believe it's not...), veggies, and a dollop of fat free sour cream. It's surprisingly tasty.

Sixth meal (8): Skinny cow or other such yummy cold treat - about 100 calories or less. Yeah, not much of a meal, but it's a perfect late treat.

Dan said if I eat later than 7 pm I should cut out the rice or potato. And if I stay up really late I can do a small snack of protein (like a cheese stick or egg or something).

Simple enough, right?

So the deal is, you raise the calories every week till you're barely losing and then drop them suddenly again - this keeps you from hitting plateaus and also trains your metabolism higher and higher. Pretty nifty trick, eh?

I'd put up another pic, but the numbers aren't changing yet. Not there anyway.

Baby Steps

About an hour worth. I went on a big long walk today with a friend. It's been really hot lately and I just can't bring myself to go out and exercise in 90+ degree weather. That's just insane.

Thankfully, in Utah it cools down at night. We walked for about an hour in the cool night air and it was beautiful.

Sadly, it reminded me just how out of shape I am. I NEED this.

Today on a message board someone started a topic about obese people. Said things like, "Why is it that they just let themselves go? Do they just resign themselves to being single forever? Do they just not care anymore?"

That was a bit difficult to read. I mean, it's about the most insensitive thing you can say - to assume that the only reason someone is fat is because they don't care. Because they've let themselves go.

So yeah, I have let myself go. But there's a whole lot more to it. Those struggles that I have - the same as any girl growing up - well, I dealt with them by eating. Some people exercise obsessively. Some people drink or smoke or do drugs. Some people eat their way through their insecurities and pain.

It's terrible to think that people actually believe the bad stereotypes out there. I hate that anyone still has to deal with this stuff. Talk about a bummer.

Thank goodness the majority of people are smarter/more understanding/kinder in their curiosity and opinions.

Thank goodness for good friends who will walk slowly with me as I begin this journey.

Week 2 - still losing

(I thought I was holding it in the same place, but maybe not)

You may look at that "still" and wonder how many diets I've tried in the past (seeing as how it's only been two weeks). Or you may wonder at my perseverance. Yeah, I don't have much. And this week has been tough.

There has been eating out and dinners in with lots of people. There has been very little sleep and lots of appointments out. There have been lots of people around and little money in the bank.

All of this combined means it's hard to stick to an eating schedule. The exercise is easier, not that I've done much of that. Gah. And I still lost 2 more pounds.

My calories have been bumped up to almost 1600 per day. For any of you who diet, you'll know that's a lot. How can someone lose significant weight while eating lots of calories?, you might ask. It's simpler than you might think.

Our bodies need calories for energy. In today's society, we often go long periods of time between meals and then eat till we are very full. That translates into our bodies not having the energy and then having too much (calories anyway). So basically, we need to eat only enough to sustain ourselves till the next meal. And eating every 2 to 3 hours teaches our bodies not to "save" the calories for later.

Dan has been teaching me the gospel of Elmo. Oh wait, that's E.L.M.O.

Eat Less, More Often. As much as I'm following it, I'm losing. I just need to do more ELMO. Right?

So, I'm fat

The time has come to "say goodbye, fatty!"

No seriously, I'm fat. I've been fat for a very long time, and for long before that I just thought I was fat. That means that in my mind, I have essentially been fat since I was like 12.

Like most women, I have a terrible opinion of my body. I hope that it's a realistic opinion. I've learned over the years to like myself despite a severe dislike for my shape, but that was a really difficult task. From a young age, I took my cues from the general world about my self-worth, so even though my family told me I was a good person, I figured I was never good enough because I wasn't shaped right. Or I didn't wear the right clothes. Or I was the wrong religion. Or I talked too much. Or something.

The one thing that the world told me was right bothered me. I, um, developed very early. By the age of 12 I was wearing a real bra. In fact, I never wore any kind of a training bra. I was ogled and objectified. Funny thing is that nobody told me I was beautiful except for my family. But guys - especially those a few years older than me - really liked my boobs. And I hated them. The boobs and the guys.

Since I knew that my body wasn't right, how could I possibly trust the affection of guys professing interest?

I was in my 30s before I got over that.

When I got to college I gained a lot of weight. I remember telling myself as a teenager that I would never let myself weigh 200 pounds. Yeah right. I hit 200 in college, but was so insecure that it came out as anger and bitterness.

When I was 21 I went to Italy to be a missionary for my church. You might think that, like most of the people who went to Italy for a long time (a year and a half for me), I'd gain weight. But the physical demands were so grueling that I lost 45 pounds in the first 2 months I was there. I had to safety pin all my clothes so they wouldn't fall off. The nice part was that I was eating a ton. Carbs galore! I had a large bowl of cereal for breakfast, a giant bowl of pasta for lunch, and usually a whole pizza for dinner (pizza in Italy is different from here, I promise) - plate size. Yum. And I still lost weight!

After the initial weight loss, I weighed about 180. I didn't keep losing, but I didn't gain either. I kept it off for over a year - till I came home. Then, I got a job working terrible hours (often day and night hours), started eating terribly, drove everywhere (instead of walking or biking), and within a year I was up to 280.

As you might guess, it was depressing. I blamed the shallowness of guys for my lack of dates and ended up alienating any who might have braved the fat. My bitterness and self-disgust pushed all away, but it was always their fault, not mine.

Over the next 7 or 8 years I gained about 20 more pounds, had a few relationships that broke my heart, went on a few adventures, and came to accept myself. I decided that without a great body and without a relationship, I could still enjoy my life and like who I was. I could have a fantastic personality, accepting everyone and learning from all my experiences. The process of acceptance - of myself and my life - took about 3 years. It wasn't like I could just blink and make it all better. It was a huge process.

Four years ago I was in the best place of my life, both figuratively and literally. I was living in my dream location, had a dream job, some of the best friends anyone could want. Then I had an epiphany. The purpose of life is to progress in family relationships - either the ones we're born into or the ones we create. It actually made me sad because I knew I needed to go home.

Now, home for me was not some beloved place. Sure I loved my family, but they had moved to Utah after I graduated from high school and I felt no connection to the state at all. I thought it was dry and kind of ugly (I was living in Alaska, so the comparison was pretty drastic). The people were pretty generic. The opportunities, especially with dating, were limited.

But then I got a phone call. My sister was having a difficult pregnancy and had four little kids at home who needed more attention. Would I consider coming home for a month to help out? I was the only unattached and available member of the family left. Instead of going for a month, I packed up everything and moved back to Utah.

Being generally happy with my life, I decided to do some internet dating. I didn't take it seriously, and I dated more than I had in the previous 16 years. It still took 6 months, but eventually my cousin introduced me to the man who would become my husband. He didn't care about my size because he loved me for me. It was wonderful.

Having hovered around 300 pounds for at least 5 years by then, I was a bit worried when I gained 54 pounds with my first pregnancy. It was a difficult pregnancy, and I'm sure it was a lot harder because of my weight. After WeWe (his name for himself) was born I lost about 35 pounds very quickly. And then over the next year I gained about 20 back. What the...?!

Pregnancy #2 was also very uncomfortable and I gained about 40 pounds. And again I gained. Or at least it felt that way. Baby Mia is now almost 7 months old, and I weigh 338 pounds. I feel and look terrible and I'm ashamed of myself. I have no motivation and I blame my bad habits on circumstance. Yeah, there are lots of bad influences surrounding me. Yeah, my genetics aren't really in my favor for weight. Yeah, I have little kids at home. Yeah, I can't afford any kind of a gym. Yeah, it's too hot outside to do serious exercise.

But seriously, I'm sick of being fat. I'm sick of being in pain all the time. I'm sick of sleeping terribly because I'm so big. I'm sick of asking for seat belt extenders on airplanes. I'm sick of the almost-permanent bruise on my hip from the seat belt in my car. I'm sick of having to wedge myself into movie theater seats. I'm sick of shopping in the fat sections of stores (or in specialty shops!) and not finding anything that fits anyway. I'm sick of asking people to give me special seating because my butt is too wide for normal chairs. I'm sick of worrying if I'm too heavy for furniture (sorry, Tawna, about your patio chair!). I'm sick of getting winded when I'm just a little bit active. I'm sick of having to move my fat out of the way for sex.

So here we are. I'm 5'6" and I weigh almost 340 pounds. My bra size is 44J. I am 54% body fat. How do I know? Well, yesterday I met with Dan. Dan's some kind of crazy, but I like him. He's going to whip me into shape. He promises results as long as I do what he says.

The results? I'm glad you asked. The goal is 100 pounds in 24 weeks. That's down over 18% body fat. The eventual goal is to drop over 150 pounds, but Dan promised that by the end of 24 weeks (during which we'll meet once a week) I'll know my body well enough to keep going on my own. And he'll meet with me once a month to help me get the rest of the way. This is me. Feel free to commiserate. I'll be posting my journey here, including pics. I'm sure I'll be terribly embarrassed, but I figure that will just mean more motivation. Right?