The unfairness of genetics

I am approximately 150 pounds overweight.  My husband is approximately 60-65 pounds overweight.  In today's society that seems like a huge amount, and maybe it is.  I do often feel like I'm carrying around a whole extra person.

My husband had a regular checkup about his diabetes about a month ago and was told that he either needed to lose 50 pounds or go on insulin.  So he made an appointment with a dietitian (although why anyone would want to pay $150 per hour to someone that just confirms everything you already know is beyond me).  I went with him and it was as I expected.  I knew almost everything because of my time with Dan.  That's right, I'm a know-it-all.

Apparently my husband needs to be told by an expert, however, because he has since changed a lot of his behavior.  He's now biking almost every morning (on my bike, which means I can't go with him) and eating smaller portions more often.  And he's making a concerted effort to get veggies at every dinner at least.

So why don't I have diabetes?  No idea, although I'm incredibly thankful I don't.  My dad does, so it's in my genes too.  My husband happens to have the classic diabetic body type though and even though he's not nearly as big as I am, he was unhealthy for far too long.  So his genetics and bad habits gave him diabetes.  My genetics and bad habits gave me double in size.

Honestly, I'm sick of the fight.  I really wish that 30 years of bad habits didn't affect me like this, but it is my struggle.  My very obvious struggle.

results of short-term goals

So, it's Friday. Yeah, I'm late, but I still have nothing to report. Apparently my body/mind wanted to rebel just a little bit more.

So after 3 days of migraine and intense crankiness (admittedly my own, although my kids haven't exactly been happy and cooperative lately either), my toddlers are finally playing in their room and my baby is actually sleeping. Who knows how long it will last though. Driving me nuts lately. I just don't know what he wants, so I feel completely helpless most of the time.

And completely energy-less. Stupid sleep-deprivation carb craving!

My exercise bike is still behind a bunch of crap in my office. Sigh.

I do have a plan. I'm going to go through everything and get rid of half. I have way too much stuff. Paring down will help me be able to fit everything in, hopefully. I'm thinking I ought to have a huge yard sale and then donate everything left to family/thrift stores. Hopefully that will make it easier to get to the exercise equipment (the bike and trailer in the carport is nearly impossible to access and since it's finally getting warm outside I need to be able to get it out). And it won't make me feel quite so claustrophobic.

Anyone want to do a yard sale with me in a month?

The First Step, part two

"If I keep putting off doing the work, then it will always remain a dream, instead of that thing I screwed up."

Wise words from Ted Moseby of "How I Met Your Mother". He's talking about starting his own architectural firm, but I think it applies perfectly to many things. I'm so afraid of putting in the work and failing, that I'm petrified to even start.

Last week I went to Disneyland with my husband for our 5th anniversary. We left the kids at home, thank goodness. It was our first vacation since we got married and the first time we were away from kids for more than 12 hours.

While it was great fun, it was also kind of eye-opening. Within a few hours I could feel the stress in my back and in my feet. By hour 8 I was begging my husband to find places to sit down. I squished myself into the Indiana Jones ride even though my hips didn't fit, but luckily my feet hurt more than my hips so I didn't notice my bruised hips for too long at all. And when we hurried across the park at 11:30 pm to try to make the Matterhorn one last time (it was closed because of rain), that 100 yards put my legs into the danger zone.

Three days later and I can finally walk without pain in my legs. Yeah, 100 yards. From the Buzz Lightyear shooting ride to the Matterhorn. Maybe even less than 100 yards. My back is still killing me, but I blame that partially on not being able to sleep in a bed. Any bed.

Yep, for the past year I've been sleeping in a recliner because in a bed I wake in so much pain that I'm nearly crying and immobile for hours. So hotel beds aren't really my friends.

Time to dig my exercise bike out of the office so it can be used. I'll report again on Wednesday...

Biggest Loser

It's really quite an insult to be called a loser, but in this sense, I want to be called that. I really want to be called that.

This morning in SLC there was an open casting call for Biggest Loser season 12. My cousin Erin and I went - got there at 5 am. Finally got to see the casting directors about 8:45, and by 9 am we were driving home. We spent 7 minutes talking with 12 other hopefuls and the casting girls (seriously, there were like 12 years old).

And since it's past 8 pm, I know I didn't get a callback. Darn.

On the one hand I'm seriously disappointed. I mean, I would love to have someone push me hard and make that my only focus for a time. I think I could easily lose 175 pounds with the right kind of push. That's half my freaking body weight!

On the other hand, I'm kind of glad. See, if I got accepted and went away to "fat camp" I'd be away from my beloved children for up to 3 1/2 months. That would suck something fierce. Just thinking of video chatting with my kids while being gone made me cry this morning. It would just about kill them (not to mention how hard it would be on my dear husband) to have me gone. Heck, in 2 weeks Brent and I are going away for 3 days for our anniversary and that's already killing me. I haven't even gone and I'm already counting down the time till I get home.

Anyway, I didn't get in. They said to send in a video submission. That'll be due in 2 weeks, but I'm not sure I want to apply. I should just get my butt into gear and do the work. I should just apply all the tricks I've learned.

What a concept, eh?

I think I need to start by getting a scale and a full-length mirror. It's time to stop avoiding...

Babies and Fat

A year ago I was just starting to deal with the cravings and morning sickness of pregnancy. I knew I'd be gaining weight and I think I allowed myself carte blanche to do eat whatever I wanted. I think I figured I could lose the weight after by going back on my plan once the pregnancy was over.

My baby is now 6 months old. After I lost about 30 of my baby pounds, I think I gained it all back. My fat clothes are tight and I'm running out of places to purchase new sizes. We're talking about being too fat for Walmart. Now that's depressing!

I have a recumbent exercise bike in my office. When we had the flood around Christmas we started moving everything out of the living room in anticipation of tearing apart the room, and the bike got covered. More than 2 months later and I can see the bike but I can't really get to it.

In the past 6 months since I had my baby, I've done lots of physically-demanding projects. But mostly I just sit around trying to stay awake. I'm so exhausted all the time that I often suffer from really bad headaches (it's a miracle that I haven't had more migraines). And I crave carbs. I long for that quick energy that comes with those sugars. And for the most part, I indulge.

My husband keeps asking what he can do to help me lose weight, but then he makes cheese sauce for broccoli and encourages the purchase of beef jerky in bulk. He walks to the library almost every day for work and considers himself exercised. I clean the sty of a house (with help from a neighbor girl that I adore) and chase after children and sleep poorly. It's been almost a year that I've been sleeping in my recliner. I'm in so much pain if I try to lay down anywhere else that it brings me to tears.

This fat has got to stop. And it has to stop now.

Confession time. I need an excuse to put out the effort again. I can't afford the program again but I really do need someone pushing me. This Saturday I'm going to go to the open casting call for Biggest Loser with one of my cousins. I'm terrified. Mostly I'm terrified of not making it. I hate what I've done to my body and I hate myself for being weak. I have absolutely no desire to be on TV, but I wanna do some kind of a fat camp. I want to be pushed. And I want to work on it exclusively. I just know I would rock.

Please keep me in your prayers. I need this.

He will not leave me powerless

I know it may seem odd to think about God on a fat blog, but to tell the truth it's new to me too. I'll come back to it though.

Being fat is something I've always thought about myself. It wasn't always true, but I always thought it. At least, as long as I had conscious thoughts about myself. Tonight my 3 1/2 year old said something about being "too fat" and I was horrified. I make a very conscious effort not to inflict my own children with that kind of thinking. Especially since my kids are still in their perfect state. I'm quite sure that he has no idea what "fat" even means, but I don't want that kind of talk around him. And I don't know where he got it. I'll have to keep my ears open more vigilantly.

For a long time I fantasized about gastric bypass. Then my nurse sister suggested lap-band and I fantasized about that. See, I have to work at losing weight. It's always been a struggle, and I HATE the struggle. I HATE exercising for the sake of exercising. And I LOVE food. I'm talking about the really fattening kind, of course.

After thinking about major surgery, I found out that the stomach can actually stretch out and you can get fat again. For it to stick you have to change your life. But if I could change my life, I wouldn't need the stupid surgery, would I? So it seemed to me that I should live as if my stomach had been shrunk. Eat a lot less but a lot more often.

Sadly, I have no will power without extreme persuasive circumstance, so I never even did it for a day. I tell myself that I just love food too much. And inactivity.

In the past 10 months I've gained a lot. I mean, I was pregnant, but now that it's been a month and a half, I've got an 8 pound baby and about 35 pounds that weren't there when I started. Totally sucks.

So now what?

Well, I'm LDS. I know that's not news to anyone who knows me, and I'm sure all of you are wondering what this has to do with losing weight.

Since I have no desire to start a giant debate over something unrelated, I'm going to be a little bit vague.

In general conference last weekend one of our general authorities spoke about temptation and said that God would not leave us powerless. He will NEVER leave us without power to overcome.

Food is my kryptonite. I love it in most forms. I adore the play of spices on my tongue and revel in textures. Having it be my downfall doesn't mean I never want to eat again, but I certainly don't want it to overtake my life. I don't want my life to be about food. And I really really REALLY don't want my life to be about being fat. Well, unless I can get thin and then make loads of money from it somehow. :)

I don't want to give up food. I don't want to give up good food. But I don't want it to rule me.

Thing is, it doesn't have to. My husband was telling me about this talk from general conference and how God will always give us the power to overcome our temptations.

So, how does this relate to food? I'm not quite sure. I told my sister I wanted to breastfeed the new baby for 6 months and then go on a serious program and lose 100 pounds. I'd love to lose more like 150 or even 180. I can't even imagine myself that skinny, but to get below 200 pounds... or wear a size 12 again... heck, I'd be pleased to get into a size 18!

Thinking about this power that God has promised me... I'm sure He didn't have fat specifically in mind, but I don't think it's inappropriate to connect the two. See, my body is a gift from God and I'm pretty sure He wants me to take care of it. I think if I put my trust in Him, He'll have my back. I really do.

My sister suggested putting the kids in the bike trailer and biking to her house and back every day. Not a terrible thought, but she does live like 8 miles away with some pretty serious hills in between. Do I dare? Maybe not with the baby, but I'll bet the toddlers would love it. At least till it gets too cold, right?

So the question then becomes, how do I get massive amounts of exercise in now? When I'm so exhausted that my legs twitch almost constantly even while I'm awake? When I have heartburn and there are all sorts of ooky fall and winter sicknesses going around? And how do I lose the weight and keep my milk?

I'm pretty sure that God will help me find a way, but I'm also pretty sure that He would approve of me seeking advice.

The floor is now (back) open. Please chime in. I've missed your support.

Mmmm, fat ladies in swimming suits...

Turns out that working out with old ladies super early in the morning can be a fantastic workout. I don't think my class looks that good though.

I showed up at 6 am on Monday and found that there was nowhere to park. Apparently the Rec Center is pretty busy in the mornings - especially Mondays. My class had already started so I jumped right in. I didn't notice till after that everyone had floaty belts or water noodles. No wonder why I was working so much harder than everyone else!

It was a fantastic workout, so on Tuesday when I went back I did it without help again. Apparently the class is most popular on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I didn't get back after Tuesday, but I'll be back on Monday again. Hooray for progress, eh?

Classic Avoidance

I haven't posted because I've been ashamed. I've been bad. And my clothes are showing it.

Since I can't afford to go back to Dan at the moment, I'm going to start working out on my own. Well, Dan has been kind enough to offer some long-distance coaching till I can come back in.

Still trying to get settled into the job and home routine. It's been a very tough month. Yeah, not a great excuse. I've spent the past month changing my schedule, doing massive home projects, over-eating, stressing out and rewarding myself with food and chocolate, coping with awful sickness (in myself and in my kids and husband), a migraine or two, and some really uncomfortable back pain and sleep issues.

And I have an extra 20 pounds to show for it. Not positive that's how much I've gained, but it's about that. I can feel it in my clothes and it sucks big time.

Time to be accountable again. I'm off to the gym tomorrow and back on the healthy eating plan. Dang it.

Apparently I need something other than food to cope with stress. I think I need a girls' night.

Fatty Fatty Fat Fat (or, "why holidays are hard on diets")

Does this really need explanation? It would be bad enough, but I got sick. Like really really sick. I can barely breathe and eating is tough. Thinking about cooking or preparing food is even worse. Yeah, I kinda suck.

I can't stay home anymore, so Ihave to get back in the swing of things. Really cool though: I get a free membership to the rec center for my whole family (my husband and kids - although kids under 4 are free). I just need to start going in.

Lots of changes. A little slippage. I can totally do this. Right?

Week 23 - Because I need some encouragement

I got in to see Dan yesterday and gained 2 pounds. Sigh.

Because I needed something good, I decided to try on a pair of "fat jeans". I hadn't tried on this pair for over a year. I purchased them after I had my first child because everything was too small. And I grew out of them anyway. Yep, I put them away because I got even bigger.

Wanna see how they look now? Man, I needed this. I can wear these jeans to LOUNGE in! This means I can tuck my legs up to the side. This is SIGNIFICANT, dang it!

I start a job on Monday. New schedule and Thanksgiving... I'm on maintenance mode for the next week or two and then I'll go back to see Dan and get back into it.

So, no cheating, lots of exercising, and more weight to lose. This is good.

Week 22 - A freebie

I have no idea how I did this last week. The week before Dan told me he was going to be out of town on Thursday so we needed to meet on Wednesday. And I didn't remember till Wednesday afternoon - after our meeting. D'oh!

I did well though. Got all my weights in and even exercised. In fact, I was on a big long bike ride when I remembered about the appointment change.

This weekend is another tough one. Not a total loss, but I still want to do better. blah

Week 21 (and a half)

It's tough to post when you feel like you're not making any progress. But I guess that's the concept behind accountability, eh?

So last Thursday when I went to see Dan it had been another hard week. We're up to a month's worth of really tough weeks. Gah! I didn't lose any weight, but at least I didn't gain any. That's really saying something because, well, Halloween candy.

My most difficult time is the weekend. Typically I ride my bike to see Dan and then I don't exercise again till Monday. Maybe even Tuesday. And since the routine is unreliable on the weekends, so is my eating.

Now, when I cheat, it's not like I fall off the wagon completely. I've learned enough over the past 5 months to know that my body really hates it when I eat crap. I feel it (very uncomfortably) for up to two days after. So, a bad day for me is like only 80% following my plan. Even that takes a while to get past, so more than feeling guilty, I really FEEL bad about eating poorly. You know?

Well, this last weekend I did better. I did skip Friday (ate fine though), but on Saturday I took a monster walk. I found an excuse to go out and made it even longer. I would guess it was at least 5 miles. Very pleasant.

I did skip Sunday, but I got my weights yesterday! Even better, I got my weights in today too. That means that doing them tomorrow will be a full workout. Woo hoo!

Yeah, I'm supposed to spread them out. I'm thinking I need a good bike ride in the middle of the day (when it's warm enough), and then with the weights in the evening maybe it won't be another bad week after all. That would be nice.

Back on the wagon, dang it!

Week 20 - Glycemic index

Well, I lost another pound and a half. I guess that means my metabolism is still chugging along, no thanks to me.

I talked to Dan for a while on Thursday about glycemic index. I don't know how many of you know what this is, but I figured I would share my new knowledge. Enlightening, to say the least.

Basically, foods are judged (high, medium, low - on a scale of 1-100, I think) based on how the body metabolizes them. All foods essentially affect blood sugar (glucose). When it makes your blood sugar go high quickly and stay there for a long time, the index level is high. If it takes longer for your body to process, then the index level is low.

Whether a food is metabolized quickly or not depends on some factors, but generically speaking you should keep to lower index levels. It's not a cut and dry scale. For example, baked potatoes are relatively high on the index. Add fat in the form of frying, and it takes more time for your body to process. So french fries are lower on the index - not healthier though.

As your body processes foods, you want it to process efficiently and not go straight to fat stores. You want your body to use it up or get rid of it. Fat doesn't get used, and the body's generic response is to store it. So processing slowly doesn't do any good when it's just sugar (or starch, in the case of the potato) - and adding fat just makes it harder for your body to do anything good with it.

Best thing to do is to pair your sugars/starches/carbs with protein. Basically, this makes your body use the carbs (sugars and starches are carbs) for repair and upkeep - not for storage.

So basically, this is why my diet includes a protein with every meal. You need the carbs for energy, and the proteins for efficient processing.

Dan and I chatted for a few minutes about the implications of the glycemic index and something called the glycemic load. I get the index part now (I've also done a little bit of research online), but the load part is kind of foggy. I think it has to do with the balance between the carbs and the proteins - the final number or something like that.

In a nutshell:
Carbs AND proteins for every meal, stay away from fats (don't avoid them altogether though), and make sure to eat every 2-3 hours. This trains your body to metabolize efficiently, and you'll lose excess weight. Oh, and don't forget the exercise.

Sounds a lot simpler than it is, I think.

Week 19?

I'm not really sure what week I'm on, but I keep feeling like I'm not going anywhere. This last Thursday when I checked in with Dan, I had lost those 2 travel pounds plus one additional. So I'm still at my lowest weight - 292 - but I'm not really feeling it anymore.

I told Dan that I want to lose 30 pounds by Christmas and he said it was possible. I just have to get my butt in gear.

Like every weekend lately, this one was an epic fail. We were out of the house and dependent on other people's eating schedules and I just ate horribly. Well, my version of horrible lately is just going too long between meals and then eating big portions. I haven't really been that bad. Little cheats.

Today I went on a walk because it's nice out and I think we'll be doing some good walking tonight for Family Home Evening. And I'm going to get out my weights now and do them because I haven't exercised since Thursday. That's the worst.

If you see me, ask me if I've done my weights. I need the push.

Da da da da, feelin' bloaty!

I can't remember what week I'm on, and I've obviously fallen behind some. I didn't do great in California because it was way too easy to just do vacation eating. In my case, at least, that means eating junk whenever I feel like it.

Apparently, my idea of junk has changed quite a bit, because although I gained, it was only 2 pounds. Dan had warned me that airplane travel can totally make you retain water, so I wasn't too worried, especially since even with those 2 pounds, my fat percentage stayed the same. So it really was water weight.

Having people tell me they can see a difference is almost as cool as being able to wear my pre-extra fat clothing. I like my clothes for the most part, so having to put certain things away was kind of depressing. Not being able to go back to it after the pregnancies was worse. So wearing jeans I haven't worn in 3 years feels fantastic, but even more is having some extra room in the thighs. Same for extra room in the chest area with my shirts. Awesome.

I'd be lying if I said I was actually feeling baby hungry. I adore my babies, but I'm still fine waiting. I guess that's a good thing because if I really wanted another now I'd have a hard time waiting to lose another 50 pounds. And that's my goal. I really want to lose that much more before getting pregnant again. Pregnancy is really tough, but pregnancy while obese is just miserable.

So, here's to losing the weight. Here's to more babies. Here's to better health and more adventures.

Oh, one really happy note from my trip. I didn't have to use a seat belt extender on the airplane. I took a trip with the kidlet about 2 years ago when he was just 4 months old and I had to use one. Terrible and humiliating. I was tickled that I didn't need one.

Progress! Little, but visible.

Anyone want tips or tricks that might be especially suited to them, let me know. I'm happy to help, and Dan wants me to be able to help. I think it reinforces my own good behaviors enough that it makes me more likely to succeed. And Dan is all for that. He has even given me advice on behalf of others. And if you're interested in meeting with Dan - even long-distance, just let me know.

Help me to help you. We'll do this together, eh?

really quickly

I'm in California this week. Trying hard to get in lots of exercise and eat healthy, so by the time I get back to Dan next week I should still be okay. Cross your fingers for me!

By the way, I'm loving where my sister lives in Alameda. Across the street is the beach and there's an awesome walking/biking trail. Been there a couple of times already. Look across the water into San Francisco. Gorgeous, perfect weather, the culture! Only thing that would make this place perfect would be a good $1000 off the rent. This place is expensive!

Sure do love Trader Joe's. Good and mostly healthy stuff and really great variety of interesting things to choose from.

More about the trip (diet-wise) when I get back.

Love you all!

Week 16 - Stalled (oh my, I have a shape again!)

I feel often like I've lost momentum, but then something comes along to remind me why I started this journey.

This morning I woke up and lounged in bed for a few minutes till my bladder forced me to get up. While I was still ignoring it, for some reason I felt my upper arm. I've been embarrassed by my arms for a long time. There is bulging in gross ways, floppy softness in other gross ways. I've got the Relief Society arms (or "bingo arms" to the non-LDS readers) that old ladies get when they've lost weight and their arm fat flaps.

But when I felt my arm this morning, I noticed a difference. The back of my upper arm doesn't bulge quite the way it did before. I had to take a picture to mark the exciting occasion. I would put a "before" picture, but I don't really allow pictures of the most embarrassing parts of me to exist. It has only been since I started this plan that I've been willing for the fat to show up in all its glorious disgustingness.

When I went to see Dan, I had to admit that I was scared. I've been consistently failing on the weekends and I wasn't sure I wanted to see the scale go up again. Amazingly, it went down. Okay, so it was only a pound, but I'll take anything I can get.

Every single week I leave Dan's office energized and excited to start anew. I want to succeed, dang it! And by the end of the weekend I feel like a total failure. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the desire to socialize and play. Bike rides on city streets aren't really a social thing, especially in the winter when everyone is bundled. It's not like we can go to the park (brrr!) either. The weights bore me to death and every single week I struggle to do them.

I think I'll work on them right now. Get in one session of weights while watching LDS General Conference. After the weights, I'll get some more cleaning done. Then I'll feel both spiritually and physically productive. Maybe I won't feel quite so guilty next time I go to see Dan.

Weekends

It used to be that I looked forward to the weekends because I was so happy to be free from work. Then I started staying home with the kids and the weekends just blended into the other days. I didn't really look forward to them anymore, although I didn't mind them any.

Since this program has started, however, I have started dreading the weekends. I've figured out that I do poorly on weekends. I have a hard time following the program with lots of people and lots of food in my near vicinity. I think I would probably lose weight a lot faster if I weren't cheating consistently every weekend. Dang.

I'm not sure what the best solution would be. I'm pretty sure that once my metabolism is "fixed" it won't be a problem to eat less than perfect every once in a while. For now, however, it is an issue. But it's an issue because I desperately need results to stay motivated. It's an issue because my body isn't prepared to fight the bad stuff effectively yet.

Gah! Help me people! If I turn down your food, please support me. I'm way too weak to turn down the yummy stuff without help.

Week 15 - Addictions

I have to admit that this last week was extremely tough for me. We had a ward activity on Friday night, followed by an evening party at my cousin's house. There was food everywhere and it was tough to stay away. In fact, I didn't.

Yesterday my sis-in-law made cookies. I wish I couldn't tell you just how yummy they were, but I know all too well that they were delicious. Dang it.

I'm thinking that I need to just imagine and not even take the first bite. It's way too difficult to stop once I have confirmed how wonderful something feels on my tongue. No matter how much I know that my body won't like it, I just can't make myself stop once I've started. (This is a t-shirt design from our friends at woot.com. Love it!)

A handful of years ago, I attended AA meetings with a friend of mine who was struggling with alcohol addiction. It was kind of awkward, to be honest, but I did learn some about myself. See, I'm addicted to food. I'm addicted to salty, greasy, fattening food. I'm addicted to flavor and richness, texture and depth. It affects my moods and whole body chemistry, and I'm not even talking about the physical affects of the fat and such.

Have you ever known an alcoholic or a druggie who just couldn't quit? They would say over and over, "I'll just take one sip" or "only one more fix"... Well, food that's bad for me is my fix. I cannot allow myself to fall off the wagon because I won't want to get back up.

See, I'm comfortable being fat. In a sense. I'm used to this. It's my comfort zone because it's all I know. I can't actually imagine myself thin. It boggles my mind that I could actually live life with one whole person less to carry around. Logically, I know. I lift the rolls of fat and try to remember what I felt like without them. I wasn't born this way, but I can barely imagine not being round.

Despite the setbacks with the food, my metabolism worked and I lost another 4 pounds. If anyone is counting, I'm about 45 pounds down on the scale and 48 pounds of fat down. Incredibly, the work is still paying off, and even though I'm feeling burned out, I may just be able to keep going.

This addiction of mine, this monkey on my back, is getting old. Just a few more months till the imagined will become the reality and the addiction will be just old memory. Not that I'll ever stop loving food, but that maybe I will be able to take that bite of dessert and not feel guilty for the rest of the week.

Checking in

Well, I've now done one day of weights. But I did help an aunt carry stuff up and down in her house for a couple hours today. I should have gone on a bike ride too, but I was actually tired from moving stuff.

I have to say, it's more interesting to do stuff like moving furniture than lift weights. I'm kind of torn on my beloved bike rides, now that it's FREAKING COLD lately. Apparently my fat has been a pretty good insulation for me. I get cold way easier lately. Any suggestions?