The First Step, part two

"If I keep putting off doing the work, then it will always remain a dream, instead of that thing I screwed up."

Wise words from Ted Moseby of "How I Met Your Mother". He's talking about starting his own architectural firm, but I think it applies perfectly to many things. I'm so afraid of putting in the work and failing, that I'm petrified to even start.

Last week I went to Disneyland with my husband for our 5th anniversary. We left the kids at home, thank goodness. It was our first vacation since we got married and the first time we were away from kids for more than 12 hours.

While it was great fun, it was also kind of eye-opening. Within a few hours I could feel the stress in my back and in my feet. By hour 8 I was begging my husband to find places to sit down. I squished myself into the Indiana Jones ride even though my hips didn't fit, but luckily my feet hurt more than my hips so I didn't notice my bruised hips for too long at all. And when we hurried across the park at 11:30 pm to try to make the Matterhorn one last time (it was closed because of rain), that 100 yards put my legs into the danger zone.

Three days later and I can finally walk without pain in my legs. Yeah, 100 yards. From the Buzz Lightyear shooting ride to the Matterhorn. Maybe even less than 100 yards. My back is still killing me, but I blame that partially on not being able to sleep in a bed. Any bed.

Yep, for the past year I've been sleeping in a recliner because in a bed I wake in so much pain that I'm nearly crying and immobile for hours. So hotel beds aren't really my friends.

Time to dig my exercise bike out of the office so it can be used. I'll report again on Wednesday...

Biggest Loser

It's really quite an insult to be called a loser, but in this sense, I want to be called that. I really want to be called that.

This morning in SLC there was an open casting call for Biggest Loser season 12. My cousin Erin and I went - got there at 5 am. Finally got to see the casting directors about 8:45, and by 9 am we were driving home. We spent 7 minutes talking with 12 other hopefuls and the casting girls (seriously, there were like 12 years old).

And since it's past 8 pm, I know I didn't get a callback. Darn.

On the one hand I'm seriously disappointed. I mean, I would love to have someone push me hard and make that my only focus for a time. I think I could easily lose 175 pounds with the right kind of push. That's half my freaking body weight!

On the other hand, I'm kind of glad. See, if I got accepted and went away to "fat camp" I'd be away from my beloved children for up to 3 1/2 months. That would suck something fierce. Just thinking of video chatting with my kids while being gone made me cry this morning. It would just about kill them (not to mention how hard it would be on my dear husband) to have me gone. Heck, in 2 weeks Brent and I are going away for 3 days for our anniversary and that's already killing me. I haven't even gone and I'm already counting down the time till I get home.

Anyway, I didn't get in. They said to send in a video submission. That'll be due in 2 weeks, but I'm not sure I want to apply. I should just get my butt into gear and do the work. I should just apply all the tricks I've learned.

What a concept, eh?

I think I need to start by getting a scale and a full-length mirror. It's time to stop avoiding...

Babies and Fat

A year ago I was just starting to deal with the cravings and morning sickness of pregnancy. I knew I'd be gaining weight and I think I allowed myself carte blanche to do eat whatever I wanted. I think I figured I could lose the weight after by going back on my plan once the pregnancy was over.

My baby is now 6 months old. After I lost about 30 of my baby pounds, I think I gained it all back. My fat clothes are tight and I'm running out of places to purchase new sizes. We're talking about being too fat for Walmart. Now that's depressing!

I have a recumbent exercise bike in my office. When we had the flood around Christmas we started moving everything out of the living room in anticipation of tearing apart the room, and the bike got covered. More than 2 months later and I can see the bike but I can't really get to it.

In the past 6 months since I had my baby, I've done lots of physically-demanding projects. But mostly I just sit around trying to stay awake. I'm so exhausted all the time that I often suffer from really bad headaches (it's a miracle that I haven't had more migraines). And I crave carbs. I long for that quick energy that comes with those sugars. And for the most part, I indulge.

My husband keeps asking what he can do to help me lose weight, but then he makes cheese sauce for broccoli and encourages the purchase of beef jerky in bulk. He walks to the library almost every day for work and considers himself exercised. I clean the sty of a house (with help from a neighbor girl that I adore) and chase after children and sleep poorly. It's been almost a year that I've been sleeping in my recliner. I'm in so much pain if I try to lay down anywhere else that it brings me to tears.

This fat has got to stop. And it has to stop now.

Confession time. I need an excuse to put out the effort again. I can't afford the program again but I really do need someone pushing me. This Saturday I'm going to go to the open casting call for Biggest Loser with one of my cousins. I'm terrified. Mostly I'm terrified of not making it. I hate what I've done to my body and I hate myself for being weak. I have absolutely no desire to be on TV, but I wanna do some kind of a fat camp. I want to be pushed. And I want to work on it exclusively. I just know I would rock.

Please keep me in your prayers. I need this.

He will not leave me powerless

I know it may seem odd to think about God on a fat blog, but to tell the truth it's new to me too. I'll come back to it though.

Being fat is something I've always thought about myself. It wasn't always true, but I always thought it. At least, as long as I had conscious thoughts about myself. Tonight my 3 1/2 year old said something about being "too fat" and I was horrified. I make a very conscious effort not to inflict my own children with that kind of thinking. Especially since my kids are still in their perfect state. I'm quite sure that he has no idea what "fat" even means, but I don't want that kind of talk around him. And I don't know where he got it. I'll have to keep my ears open more vigilantly.

For a long time I fantasized about gastric bypass. Then my nurse sister suggested lap-band and I fantasized about that. See, I have to work at losing weight. It's always been a struggle, and I HATE the struggle. I HATE exercising for the sake of exercising. And I LOVE food. I'm talking about the really fattening kind, of course.

After thinking about major surgery, I found out that the stomach can actually stretch out and you can get fat again. For it to stick you have to change your life. But if I could change my life, I wouldn't need the stupid surgery, would I? So it seemed to me that I should live as if my stomach had been shrunk. Eat a lot less but a lot more often.

Sadly, I have no will power without extreme persuasive circumstance, so I never even did it for a day. I tell myself that I just love food too much. And inactivity.

In the past 10 months I've gained a lot. I mean, I was pregnant, but now that it's been a month and a half, I've got an 8 pound baby and about 35 pounds that weren't there when I started. Totally sucks.

So now what?

Well, I'm LDS. I know that's not news to anyone who knows me, and I'm sure all of you are wondering what this has to do with losing weight.

Since I have no desire to start a giant debate over something unrelated, I'm going to be a little bit vague.

In general conference last weekend one of our general authorities spoke about temptation and said that God would not leave us powerless. He will NEVER leave us without power to overcome.

Food is my kryptonite. I love it in most forms. I adore the play of spices on my tongue and revel in textures. Having it be my downfall doesn't mean I never want to eat again, but I certainly don't want it to overtake my life. I don't want my life to be about food. And I really really REALLY don't want my life to be about being fat. Well, unless I can get thin and then make loads of money from it somehow. :)

I don't want to give up food. I don't want to give up good food. But I don't want it to rule me.

Thing is, it doesn't have to. My husband was telling me about this talk from general conference and how God will always give us the power to overcome our temptations.

So, how does this relate to food? I'm not quite sure. I told my sister I wanted to breastfeed the new baby for 6 months and then go on a serious program and lose 100 pounds. I'd love to lose more like 150 or even 180. I can't even imagine myself that skinny, but to get below 200 pounds... or wear a size 12 again... heck, I'd be pleased to get into a size 18!

Thinking about this power that God has promised me... I'm sure He didn't have fat specifically in mind, but I don't think it's inappropriate to connect the two. See, my body is a gift from God and I'm pretty sure He wants me to take care of it. I think if I put my trust in Him, He'll have my back. I really do.

My sister suggested putting the kids in the bike trailer and biking to her house and back every day. Not a terrible thought, but she does live like 8 miles away with some pretty serious hills in between. Do I dare? Maybe not with the baby, but I'll bet the toddlers would love it. At least till it gets too cold, right?

So the question then becomes, how do I get massive amounts of exercise in now? When I'm so exhausted that my legs twitch almost constantly even while I'm awake? When I have heartburn and there are all sorts of ooky fall and winter sicknesses going around? And how do I lose the weight and keep my milk?

I'm pretty sure that God will help me find a way, but I'm also pretty sure that He would approve of me seeking advice.

The floor is now (back) open. Please chime in. I've missed your support.

Mmmm, fat ladies in swimming suits...

Turns out that working out with old ladies super early in the morning can be a fantastic workout. I don't think my class looks that good though.

I showed up at 6 am on Monday and found that there was nowhere to park. Apparently the Rec Center is pretty busy in the mornings - especially Mondays. My class had already started so I jumped right in. I didn't notice till after that everyone had floaty belts or water noodles. No wonder why I was working so much harder than everyone else!

It was a fantastic workout, so on Tuesday when I went back I did it without help again. Apparently the class is most popular on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I didn't get back after Tuesday, but I'll be back on Monday again. Hooray for progress, eh?

Classic Avoidance

I haven't posted because I've been ashamed. I've been bad. And my clothes are showing it.

Since I can't afford to go back to Dan at the moment, I'm going to start working out on my own. Well, Dan has been kind enough to offer some long-distance coaching till I can come back in.

Still trying to get settled into the job and home routine. It's been a very tough month. Yeah, not a great excuse. I've spent the past month changing my schedule, doing massive home projects, over-eating, stressing out and rewarding myself with food and chocolate, coping with awful sickness (in myself and in my kids and husband), a migraine or two, and some really uncomfortable back pain and sleep issues.

And I have an extra 20 pounds to show for it. Not positive that's how much I've gained, but it's about that. I can feel it in my clothes and it sucks big time.

Time to be accountable again. I'm off to the gym tomorrow and back on the healthy eating plan. Dang it.

Apparently I need something other than food to cope with stress. I think I need a girls' night.

Fatty Fatty Fat Fat (or, "why holidays are hard on diets")

Does this really need explanation? It would be bad enough, but I got sick. Like really really sick. I can barely breathe and eating is tough. Thinking about cooking or preparing food is even worse. Yeah, I kinda suck.

I can't stay home anymore, so Ihave to get back in the swing of things. Really cool though: I get a free membership to the rec center for my whole family (my husband and kids - although kids under 4 are free). I just need to start going in.

Lots of changes. A little slippage. I can totally do this. Right?